International

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by JP Gramlich

BOGOTA, COLOMBIA -- Gabriel García Márquez, Colombia's most celebrated author and among the most renowned writers in history, expressed irritation Thursday when an American tourist approached him at a cafe in his home country and began talking to him.

"It's nice to meet you," an exasperated García Márquez told the tourist, Steve Lannen, even though he didn't mean it and only wanted to drink his coffee in peace. García Márquez went on to make small talk with Lannen and pose for a photo even though he absolutely did not want to.

"Dios mío," García Márquez exclaimed when a satisfied Lannen finally left the cafe. "I wrote a book called One Hundred Years of Solitude. What part of that is unclear?"

by JP Gramlich

DIYALA, IRAQ -- American journalist Steve Lannen of McClatchy Newspapers arrived in Iraq on Wednesday to cover a war that had ended some time ago.

Lannen, who was under the impression that he would be embedded during combat operations with the 1st Brigade, 4th Stryker Brigade Combat Team in Iraq's central Diyala province, arrived just as members of the unit were packing up their things and preparing to return to the United States.

"Sorry, bud, looks like you missed the show," Sgt. John Pierce Senkarik, 25, told Lannen as he stuffed a hat, boots and other items into his knapsack ahead of his long-awaited military flight home to Texas. "If you want, maybe I can fire a handgun in the air a few times for you or something?"

At press time, Lannen was seen wandering around the quiet, peaceful streets of Diyala, searching hopefully for any signs of conflict to report on.

PETRA, JORDAN -- In an unfortunate move that could cause an inernational kerfuffle, a Midwestern man claiming to be a big fan of the University of Michigan visited the famed Jordanian city of Petra and planted a large U of M flag, saying he thought the barren landscape reminded him of The Ohio State University. 

"It's a reasonable mistake," Lannen said. "I just saw rock, and dust, and it reminded me of the wasteland that is The Shoe. I wanted to show them who's in charge here." 

Lannen completely missed the Treasury, which is considered one of the  new seven wonders of the world, and also famously featured in the movie Indiana Jones and The Last Crusade. He says it didn't matter as much as "owning" Ohio State does. 

The action was reminiscent of the flag planting controversy at the end of the 2024 Michigan-Ohio State football game, where the Wolverines surprised the highly ranked Buckeyes 13 to 10 in Columbus. 

As punishment, Lannen must promise never to visit Jordan again and to plant a Jordanian flag in the Big House instead. 

AGRA, INDIA -- One of the dangers of the Indian holiday of Holi is not understanding the strength of the colored powders used in the holiday of Holi.

Also known as the Festival of Colors, Holi has been celebrated for thousands of years to mark the beginning of spring and the triumph of good over evil. Its celebrants use water balloons and colored dyes to show their appreciation for each other. 

However, participants in India typically have darker hair; the fairer participants can take on color for several weeks. Steve Lannen, one such tourist in 2023, did not know to use Vaseline on his head to prevent staining and as such, ended up rather pink for quite some time. 

However, Lannen was able to make other friends on planes with simliarly situated hair colors.

(Video: Lannen with some sort of colored fireworks contraption, which someone thought was safe enough to hand to him)